The Gumball Fix

• » print
• » report
• » email

Over the course of any marriage, your spouse does or says things that make you think “How could he do this to me?” or “If he really loved me, he wouldn’t have said that” or “This is so hurtful, I can’t even believe this is the man I married.” Likewise, now and then, he has these thoughts, too. Often times, we are told simply “Sometimes you have to forgive and forget. Period.” For most of us, this really doesn’t work.

Here’s the solution to recovery: The Gumball Fix.

For ease of explanation, I’ll describe The Gumball Fix from his vantage point – meaning you’re the one who did something hurtful or hateful to your husband. Envision you have a big empty container. Day in and day out, you consciously make an effort to do and say many kind things. Examples of “doing”: Unexpected favors, a big hug for no reason (you can imitate/give phone hugs if he’s deployed); mail him funny, sexy cards. Examples of “saying”: “Thanks for unloading the dishwasher. It makes me feel like you really appreciate me.”; “I think you’re such a hunk in those ratty shorts that are your favorite!”; “I’m still glad I married you.” With every one of these acts, you pour more and more gumballs into the container. You continuously fill it so that the container stays (at least) almost full, i.e., your husband feels (and sees) your relationship is robust, enjoyable and happy.

Lo and behold, along comes the day when you do the hurtful or hateful thing. He’s now mad and angry. Gumballs are removed from the container. However, there are so many gumballs that you have a “cushion.” The relationship suffers only temporarily, i.e., he knows in his heart that you still love him deeply. You apologize (sooner rather than later) and take the time to discuss the problem at hand. Thus, he may not forget what you did, but the large amount of remaining gumballs makes it is easy to forgive and move forward – together.