Winter, Winter...Go AWAY!

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Added: Tue. Dec 09, 2008 3:37pm
Posted in: Entertainment

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The temperature plunged to 34 degrees last night.  Oh, I know, I know...you hinterlanders, you Nordespeople, you esqueermos...you’re laughing, aren’t you? You know what, you all can HAVE the snow because after the beautiful white flakes fall in the gazillions, they all turn black and wet or gray and frozen.  Scraping an inch of frost off a windshield is not my idea of a good time (even though I do get immediate feedback like when I sweep, and you know how much I like that).  See, those of you with garages are chuckling now, as well you should.  The Ancient One actually does have a one-car garage, perfectly amenable to having an actual CAR in it, but oh no...that’s where the washer and dryer are, the 47 large paintings she has no room for in her home, and shelves and boxes of every kind of ‘miniature’ something you can imagine (left over from the miniature collectibles shop she had in NINETEEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTY NINE).  Do you feel my pain??

I don’t like the way the trees look without their leaves.  They look cold.  A friend of mine said that they look like lace without their leaves, and I’ve tried squinting to see if I can get that visual, but they just look nekkid.  And, the trees that do keep their leaves have an OLD green tint to them...very unbecoming...not the spring baby green that is my favorite color...new life.  Winter is old and so yesterday!

Don’t get me started on the layering and piling on of massive amounts of clothing in winter.  Oops, too late...it’s already been mentioned.  When you’re a middle-aged, post-menopausal woman who still has hot flashes, layering is just frightening.  It provokes anxiety attacks because at the first few seconds of a hot flash, you have to get cool IMMEDIATELY.  You don’t have time to peel off the coat, the scarf, the gloves, the sweater, the turtleneck and the long underwear.  Besides, by the time you’ve done all that the hot flash is gone and you’re freezing your ass off!  

And, I’ve written extensively about the thermostat wars.  They aren’t pretty and you could wind up in a COLD jail cell for ‘voluntary husbandslaughter,’ if you really feel the need to WIN.  Why does it take so long for the car to warm up?  You’ve shelled out many thousands of dollars for a nice car so why doesn’t it heat up in five seconds instead of five minutes which seem like a lifetime when you’re sitting on cold leather.

Luckily, at my age, the days go by in such a hurry that before I even know it, MY time of year will roll around and I’ll be happy again.  Until then...give me a blanket and leave me alone.
KK
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After the summer we just had I’m enjoying the hell out of this winter.  Winter is okay as long as you aren’t living under a bridge and you have a blanket.  Actually, I like everything about winter except the nekkid trees, the snow, and the cold air.

I like it when the air is cool and I can snuggle up in a soft, warm blanket.  It makes me feel lucky and grateful and glad that I’m not in a homeless shelter or the produce section at HEB.  That’s a scary place by the way.

I like to dress in layers of cashmere, angora and spandex.  My underwear is all made of spandex so that’s why I mention it in the layering.  No animals are killed in the making of spandex although I have a Turkish Angora cat named Buddy and I didn’t know you could make a sweater out of cat hair.  Boy, I bet it’s funny on the day they shear the cats at the Turkish Angora ranch.  I don’t think they brand the cats even though they have a tendency to roam over large areas of territory.  I bet it would be hard to brand a cat.  What was I talking about…

Oh, yeah, winter.  It’s too hot here in Texas in the summer and yet the Texans don’t seem to mind at all.  KK is a dyed-in-the-wool Texican and that carries with it a gene that makes temperatures under 80 degrees cause them to go running to the fleece drawer and start ordering from LL Bean catalogues.  They go crazy and sometimes they can be found in the fetal position behind the trees at Guero’s restaurant with a Bud, a bong and a bag of jerky, loudly complaining that the patio butane heaters aren’t putting out enough heat.

You can go driving around Austin on an incredibly hot day…say, 105 degrees and you will see a myriad of outdoor restaurants with their picnic tables under the trees filled with merry Bar-B-Que eaters acting like everything is perfectly normal.  My mouth drops open as I drive by in my air conditioned Mazda and even then I’m already stuck to the seat of my car because of the sweat I generated just getting from my front door to the car.  And there they sit, gnawing on a baby-back rib, sipping on a beer that got hot two minutes after it hit the table and unaware that the cook is frying the eggs for the burritos out back on the sidewalk.  I don’t understand my tribe sometimes.  At least the cats are shaved.

SalGal