I am not afraid to die.

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Added: Wed. Dec 30, 2009 2:23pm
Posted in: Conditions & Diseases

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You all probably know that my health is in decline. I'm only 50, but my blood sugar is far too high - like comaville - and has been for some time. Medicines hardly make a dent, and I eat fairly healthy (and in modest amount) but it does not help. Exercise isn't really in my vocabulary, though, and I know that's my obstacle, but high blood sugar makes me tired.

Being the practical person that I am, I've given my condition and its ramifications some thought. Perhaps I've been unduly influenced by finding out recently as I connected with old friends on facebook that so many of my classmates have died.Or maybe the fact that I have recently been plagued by nagging backaches and exhaustion have led to this line of morbid thought. Whatever the cause, I have decided that I am not afraid to die, but I recognize that it's a possibility. Blood sugar as high as mine for a sustained period usually results in coma and death, and yes, I could keel over at any moment, and without a moment's notice.

I am worried for my family. I have studied diabetes and its effects, and I know what could happen. For my family, my sudden demise would be catastrophic. They know it's a deadly disease, but it's clear they don't believe anything bad will happen to me. I'm not much of a complainer, and I rarely make excuses to get out of doing what I should do, although I make no apologies if I feel the need for a nap. I have soft-pedaled my illness, because in reality, I feel more or less ok as long as I have enough rest. I've mentioned to them my worry about my blood sugar, but for the most part I have not behaved like a sick person.

If something happens to me, my children will put it on facebook and word will spread. But I would appreciate it very much if someone directed them back here, because I have something to say.

I have fought this. I'm seeing yet another specialist on the 11th, and I hope that he listens to me and answers my questions. I am not a person of faith, and that extends to doctors, because I know the reality of trying to get a handle on a disease which may be different for everyone. For example, a drug that works for most people - metformin - makes me violently ill while not affecting my blood sugar by a single point. Ditto Glimipiride, although without the sickness. It doesn't have any side effects, it just doesn't do anything. Actos works pretty well but it's stupidly expensive and there's been a lot of press about how dangerous it is. Humalog (injectable insulin) has also made the news as a potential danger, but more to the point, I fail to see how adding insulin to a body incapable of using the insulin it's already flooded with is supposed to help. Yes, it temporarily helps reduce my blood sugar, but it doesn't seem like a very good answer.

What is the answer? I don't think anyone knows. There are more drugs out there, and of course exercise is the top of the natural cure list. I've tried a lot of different things, but when my response to insulin started to decline I realized that I might be in serious trouble.

My plan is to not give up. Being unafraid of death is a profoundly different concept than welcoming it. I will never give up, never stop trying, never leave you alone on purpose. But if diabetes wins, I expect you to go on, to be the extraordinary people you are, and to live your lives without lingering sadness. I want no guilt, because no one is to blame. You could not save me. Maybe I can save myself, and maybe I will and this post will be forgotten and unread, a maudlin exercise in post-holiday melancholia, or perhaps an uncharacteristic moment of drama. Maybe I will die at 99, surrounded by my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, with my husband of 70 years at my side. Maybe I will feel silly about this tomorrow and take it down.

Whatever happens, I'm ready for it. And the one thing I need you to know most is that my family and friends make the fight worthwhile. I already know the secret of life. It's you. Without you, there would be nothing.

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babyboomerbev
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Posted 7:45pm December 30th, 2009

Oh my! Your post has blown me away. I don't know what to say other than I love you comment about NEVER giving up. I have also been dealing with health issues. I just graduated yesterday from the Cardiac Heart Failure Program at Duke University Medical Center so if it's any consolation to you--we all have our battles to face. It's how we face them that matters most. I invite you to read the blog I wrote about my experience and may it encourage you in some way. By the way, I'm so glad we connected and I just love your "tell it as I see it" spirit.
sherisaid
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Posted 3:22pm December 30th, 2009
Thanks Amy part of the problem is that the more you learn, the further you are from the answer. Maybe I'd be better off to get all my info from a single source...trust my doctor. At least I'd have a cohesive plan of attack, even if it didn't work...but truthfully, none of them - not one of the 6 doctors and dietitians I have seen to date - has said "if your blood sugar spikes, do this" and I suspect it's because they don't know the answer, which makes me very nervous indeed.
Amy Korn-Reavis
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Posted 2:36pm December 30th, 2009

I am sorry that it has been a tough road for you Sheri. Diabetes is probably the hardest disorder to get care for. The fact that they have nto been able to get a handle on your particular type makes it even harder to deal with.

The big issue with many medication is that the news will pick one little thing and not see the bog picture. I can tell you side effects on almost any type of therapy even ones that do not require taking medication. It is the 2 people who have the effect that make the news not the 98 that they help. That is the sad part.

I am sure that eventually you will find the specialist who will be able to help you. Just hand in there.

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I am not afraid to die.

sherisaid