My Colonoscopy

Added: Sat Jun 7th 1:56pm
Posted in: Health

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While completing my annual fire department physical exam the doctor once again highly recommended I have a colonoscopy performed. They have been scaring me since I turned fifty. I kept putting it off because the idea of have something like a garden hose with a light on the end inserted into an area that was designed only for things to exit just didn’t appeal to me. Also, the fact that I’ve had no symptoms gave me that false sense of security. I believed it was just another way for the health care industry to milk us middle class folks with insurance.
This time there was reason to go ahead and get it done.
A little history; I try to be as honest as I can and the idea of cheating on tests is something I gave up after my experience as a freshman in college (I ended up with a D in humanities and was acquitted in Honor Court on a technicality.). When it came to the stool sample test I had a relapse and found myself on the wrong side of the law once again.
This part is a little graphic and I apologize if this offends anyone. I’ll try to keep it as clinical as possible.
For the annual exam we are asked to place a small smear from two parts of a stool on a special card and bring it in to be analyzed (pardon the pun). We are directed to do this with three separate stools giving a total of six smears. Being that I’ve never had a “positive” result and I don’t really like fishing, I made six smears out of one sample.
Well wouldn’t you know, one of the six came back positive. I figured it had to be a “false positive” because I knew the truth. I wasn’t about to tell the doctor how I collected the sample. I didn’t want to chance going to Stool Sample Honor Court and hope for another break. I no longer had an excuse to put off having a colonoscopy performed.
I use the word “perform” because, for those of you who are unfamiliar, it is more than just a procedure. It’s an event that basically covers a two-day period and it involves the actions of many players.
Naturally the star of the show is Mr. Fleet Phospho Soda. It sure beats an enema but let me tell you for those who haven’t had the pleasure, this is strong medicine. First, you are instructed the day before the actual procedure to drink only clear liquids. At 4:00 p.m. you are to take your first dose of the soda. I won’t go into details here but two hours after the second dose taken at 9:00 p.m. there is nothing left in you. I mean nothing!
Here is something I learned that I think is good advice for those who have never gone through this. I spoke with some people who already had the procedure and they said it was real uncomfortable. I didn’t find it that way. I attribute that to a couple of factors. I made sure that the days before I didn’t eat much and what I did eat had plenty of fiber. Also, when they said the more clear liquids you ingest the easier the prep, they were right. The day before consisted of drinking lots of water interspersed with lots of Jell-o and clear broth. Yummy. I never felt hungry because my stomach was always full. So was my bladder, which required emptying quite often. My day was basically drink, pee, sit down; drink, pee, sit down. After 4:00 p.m. it was drink, pee, sit down, drink, evacuate, sit down; drink, pee, sit down, drink, evacuate, evacuate, evacuate.
My appointment was for 6:15 a.m. the following morning. Even though it was like an assembly line, the staff was cordial. The minute I walked in I never stopped. First you change into their pajamas with the opening so wide in the back, all it covered was your front. I guess it’s the special colonoscopy version. I asked for a larger size and they just laughed at me. I wish I would have shaved my back. Next they take vitals and an EKG. I wish I would have shaved my chest. Then they start an IV.
The anesthesiologist came in and told me he was going to give me some medicine that would ensure I would feel nothing and have no memory of what was about to happen to me. I love those guys.
Now things get serious. They wheel me into the procedure room and I see a bunch of smiling faces. I know they were laughing at me, not with me, because I failed to see the humor in any of this. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying, “You may feel a little burning in your wrist.” That was it. The next thing I know is I’m wide awake and my wife is in front of me smiling. I still didn’t get what was so funny.
In the recovery room the doctor came in and told me all was well. Soon after, a nurse comes in and says you will feel like expelling gas because air is pumped into your bowels for better visibility. She added that releasing the gas is music to their ears. She left and closed the drapes behind her. Not wanting to disappoint them, I immediately licked my lips, sealed them on my forearm and blew as hard as I could.