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I don’t know about you, but the “Caffeine Roller Ball” looks a skosh phallic to me, and at this age, I’m not sure I’d want to roll that thing under my eyeballs, would you??  Besides, I prefer my caffeine in a mug with cream and sugar.  Come ON!  Who are they kidding?  And, what do they take us for...complete fools?  Here’s the thing that pisses me off more than anything...they have a teenaged girl demonstrating the product in their ads (and I’m not going to say who ‘they’ are, but it rhymes with marnyay). 

What is the deal with the new mascaras now?  Would you buy “Too Faced Fantastic Plastic Set Mascara.”  This sounds like something I would use to grout my shower with while gossiping about Rebecca.  They say it thickens and ‘actually stretches to add volume and length far beyond natural lash lines.’  Well, most of my lashes walked out on me a long time ago, so I’d be afraid to use this product.  If I did use it, those people with whom I might be conversing up close would be counting my remaining lashes...one...two...three...four...five.  They might find eight or nine on the other eye, but that would just be embarrassing.  And, if they “stretch,” I fear I would end up looking like Joan Rivers, and isn’t she just frightening?

Now we come to cheek blush.  How about Kiss and Makeup (also made by the company called Too Faced).  If kissing and making up were as easy as using the right blush, I might not have married so many times. Who in the hell thought up the product where the blush comes in the form of lots of tiny, multi-colored mineral balls??  They are supposed to wind up the PERFECT color just for you when you cram a ‘blush brush’ amongst them for half an hour so as to get enough blush to apply.  My arm is tired from this exercise, and nothing appears to change on my face after this application.  Well my face is redder, but it’s because I’ve been briskly rubbing a brush on it for twenty minutes.  Am I doing something wrong Here?

I am drawing a line in the sand.  I refuse to use lip glosses with the following names:  Bing My Cherry, Water My Melon or Berry My Treasure.  Seriously!

KK

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I love cosmetics.  I didn’t wear any in college because I was a hippie.  I took pride in that even though I still shaved under my arms and did my legs too.  But anyway, pictures of me back then (in college) are pretty grim and I look like my father if he was a long-haired hippie and was stoned all the time.

Now I use the same cosmetics I used in high-school.  I tried all those fancy-schmancy expensive ones all through the eighties, when I got my senses and cotton blouses back, and none of them did a damn thing.  I still have wrinkles and lipstick still gets stuck on my teeth.  Once I was watching Oprah or some show like that and some expert on the matter said a $98.50 jar of face cream had the exact same ingredients as Ponds which is about five bucks.  That really pissed me off.

I still use Revlon and all the regular stuff I used growing up and it works just fine. My only fear is that I will get carried away and end up looking like Tammy Faye Baker (bless her heart). Luckily, KK monitors my use of mascara.  The kind I use now has a pink body and a black top.  It is by Maybelline, another oldie but goodie.  I put it on with some shadow, powder and lipstick and I look like my father in drag.

I like the new lipstick that lasts for 12 hours and it really does.  You’d better put it on right the first time though because if you mess it up you’re screwed.  Once I had to stay in the house all day after I accidentally over-did my upper lip and ended up looking like Angelina Jolie after facial paralysis.  I tried everything to get that lipstick off but it was no use.  Twelve hours later I could have left the house but Intervention was on and my new hair color came out blue.

It’s always something.