• » print
• » report
• » email

Lets see ...where do I begin AGAIN??!! OK ..i grew up in a small "town"....which I suppose is a small city ...with a pop. of about 20,000.00 + back in a 2000 census I believe.

I grew up in the mountains up north....and didn't catch how beautiful they were ...( I woke most mornings to an owl hooting in a huge tree outside my bedroom window and caught glimpses of this beautiful creature from time to time. I did not have a clue at the beauty surrounding me right outside my window even.......I was too caught up in social networking at the small high school I attended (attending INDOOR secret parties., "scrub parties", "dreug parties" (don't ask!) and other parties...with disco dancing, YES drinking beer (kegs) and smoking cigarettes ...no drugs....friends were my drugs of choice AND I had the BEST first love one could ever have.....and he literally saved me in so many ways.......he was my hero back then........and in ways...will always be.........He rescued me from my present inner pain and  buried secrets...you could say(at least during that time)

Our graduating class had about 130 I think and you knew every one's first name and something about everyone pretty much.....and that was OK ...depending on WHO you were! There were many cliques and I tried to fit into ALL of them with not much success, but I DID have a group of great friends with whom I was blessed to have!

I came from a kinda rough upbringing . I was ashamed of who I was and where I lived (not the size of the home, but the inside)......My parents were kind souls, but.......were not really parenting parents................. then again ....NO ONE is perfect. (ME especially!!) I just never felt I fit in anywhere and was constantly fighting this  private, painful,inner battle to belong and be loved and be "normal".......especially in high school! 

I was blessed enough to have friends and was blessed with a sense of humor (I could always find the FUNNY things of situations (definately a great survival technique...and one should ALWAYS keep a sense of humor...you live longer  : )  ....laughing is great medicine!!!).... and get out of the bubble in which I was so accustomed to and the only way I knew.

I came to some VERY hard realizations, one of which....that my home life was quite different from others. We lived in an affluent part of town , but were NOT that.........although my grandparents had a  very nice home and were "normal." (of course...remember I was a kid and teen going through all kinds of "teen" stuff).... I opted to take friends to my grandparents as much as possible to hide my real living conditions in which I lived. Please understand ....this is from my perspective growing up as a child and teen and I know that NO home is perfect.

I however had secrets I kept buried for many years growing up.... anger, and deep-seeded fears which PLAGUED me throughout childhood into adulthood (which I have come a LONG way since then.....I pushed through those irrational fears and hurts and high insecurities and LOW self-esteem. It was NOT easy ........trying to APPEAR normal growing up when SO much around me was not......whatever "normal" is.

My first severe depression hit me in the 10Th grade due to being rejected by a classmate. I was VERY sensitive as a child and I would venture to say children today go through this and sometimes in a painfully quiet way.....no one knows but them!! THis was me.......I was too private to share .......and this depression was one of my big secrets.(details about this time will be in my book)

Depression does not discriminate.......we all at one time will experience this...and some severely......some will take their lives as a result.

We are afraid to talk about it (NO not THAT!!)_But the hard reality ...our friends , coworkers, kids even are suffering silently with no one to tell for fear of rejection.....and that fear is VERY real.

I just hope to help those suffering with depression (no matter how mild or severe) know that they are NOT the only ones out.....you are NOT alone!!!  I am coming out of a severe depression myself........BUT the important thing is I AM coming out of it!!

I am NOT a doctor nor counselor ....I just have had first-hand experience with this forbidden topic (to some) and I want to reach out to those who are afraid to reach out and to maybe bring a glimpse of hope to even one hurting person.

There is help out there and I will talk in my book about the ways I coped, letters I have written, effective strategies and not so effective strategies in dealing with a very HUMAN emotion....that we are afraid and even forbidden to speak about........

let me also say...to those of you who know me ......especially later in life ....I am a laugher(I like making up my own words or changing them up a bit) kind of person, love to play jokes and anyone who knows me WELL.....would NOT expect someone like ME to have gone through this......having said that.....

More to come

I am tired of hearing myself talk.......no kidding

thanks for tuning in!!