Second Deployment: Old Fears, New Fears

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Added: Thu. Feb 05, 2009 5:04pm
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Second Deployment: Old Fears, New Fears

 

We knew another deployment was looming. My soldier son had warned us long ago that it was coming. I managed to push it into the back of my mind for months, trying to pray it away. Maybe something would change, and he wouldn’t have to go. But the day has arrived: he just received his orders.

 

I weep for hours at the news. I cajole God, beg Him, yell at Him, and try harder than ever to make myself trust Him. I remind myself of who God is, review His attributes in my mind, and speak Scripture out loud. I think about the grain of mustard seed, knowing that’s all the amount of faith I need to muster.

 

It seems as if as soon as I calm myself down, another wave of dread wells up. Same old worries! I tell myself that I know how to push past them. I have done it before by clinging unabashedly to God. However, this time it seems that those same old emotions have now brought along a whole new set of cronies.

 

This time, my soldier is not just an adventurous boy fresh out of high school. He’s now a grown and married man with his first child on the way. “He’ll miss so much of the pregnancy, God! He won’t know the joy of feeling the baby kick, seeing the sonogram, watching his beautiful wife’s belly grow with his child! He’ll miss the birth of his first child, Lord,” I moaned to God, “He’ll miss the first six months of the baby’s life!” Other similar thoughts flood my mind. I realize that I’m making myself miserable contemplating all the things he would not experience.

 

Then I remember where he’s going and what he would be facing once again. Back to a hot spot. Back to the most dangerous territory. “He’s still working on overcoming PTSD issues from Iraq, Lord, how much more can he take?”

 

I reach out to a friend. Her tears and support helped greatly. Sometimes it’s easier to reach out for the Lord when you know a good friend is holding your other hand. It did not even matter that she was nearly 700 miles away!

 

So, I’m beginning a new journey, another chapter, maybe a whole new book! But, I’m determined to trust God with my soldier continually through this whole next year. We’ll face it together; my soldier, my family, my friends, and my Savior. We’ll take each day as it comes, we’ll cling to our beliefs and pray for the best. We’ll cherish that tiny grain of faith that God has promised is all we need. We will get through this deployment by the strength God will give us each moment of each new day.

“That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day” (2 Timothy 1:12 NIV)