The Art of Worrying

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Added: Fri. Aug 14, 2009 5:14pm
Posted in: Self Help

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Worries are like lima beans on a plate with filet mignon and potatoes au gratin (my favorite side dish).  Each bean is ugly and filled with mashed worry, and they taste like s***!  I don’t like worry.  I don’t even like the idea of worry. 

Therefore, I have decided to give my worries away...to let someone else worry for me.  This may sound strange, but I have experience with this type of maneuver.  At the tail end of spending thirty hellacious days at a cult-like ashram in order to procure my yoga teaching certificate many years ago, I was required to take the ‘final’ exam. The exam consisted of teaching an hour class, having memorized all the Sanskrit names of the postures, their timing, my oratorical skills, not to mention the ability to bend like a pretzel.

One of the little, bliss-ninny instructors (Swami WhatEVER...the memory of which is the least of my worries) suggested that if any of us were worried, to give that worry to her and she would take care of everything, worrying for us on schedule and with great intensity.  What a great idea!  So, she worried, and I made an A+.  She ate all the lima beans on my plate (probably because they were all vegetarians at the ashram and had to eat everything they could get their hands on in order to survive on just roots and tubers).

So, I’ve put all my lima beans in a baggie (a BIG baggie) and am passing them on to the bliss ninny who worried for me so many years ago (hoping she’s still alive and available).  Even if she isn’t, there are LOTS of people who enjoy worrying and can take her place.  The worriers of the world have a very large club.  They’re good at what they do, so I’m confident that I will continue on with a perfect grade average while they fill their bellies with my lima beans.

Doesn’t this just make perfect sense?  Or, should I worry about my mental state?

Nah.

KK

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KK has been a worry wart lately.  Where did that term come from, I wonder?  Worry wart.  Did somebody two hundred years ago have a wart and they worried and worried about it until they became a legend and a label for all people who worry too much?

I had a wart on my head for years.  I finally had my skin doctor freeze it off and it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch.  It was worth it though, because I was embarrassed every time I went to the hair dresser because I was afraid he would see the wart and be disgusted, and after I left he would tell everybody in the salon that there was a woman with a big wart on her head.

I hate lima beans too.  I’m a really good cook but I have no idea what to do with them.  Turning them into worries and feeding them to the dog is a really good idea.  But then the dog would be full of worries and you don’t want a worried, 160-pound Mastiff.  He could hurt you.  Or, maybe he would just hide behind the couch and stew in his worries.  Even if it was only a Chihuahua, that would be sad.

I should probably worry more often.  My worries have been hiding in the garden and I don’t try to flush them out anymore.  They can stay there and turn into lilies or something.  I don’t think lilies can worry so that would be okay.  But then maybe the lilies would turn brown or something, and that wouldn’t be good.  No, you need to kill the worries as they present themselves.  Kill them.  Smash them.  They are only your mind imagining bad scenarios and you don’t want to waste your time with that.

I know….put them in the blender and then pour them down the disposal.  Make a martini (unless you are an alcoholic) and sing to yourself, ‘Come Mr. TallyMan, tally me bananas…..

That really works.

SalGal