Caregiver Stress-

the Dangers of being a Good Samaritan

by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach in Winter Park

“Don’t take life so seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive,” was the simple advice I saw on a greeting card once and it makes sense, especially when thinking about the incredible pressures placed on those in the important role of caregiver for a loved one. You’ve got to lighten up the load to prevent major burnout. Many times it’s easy to overlook just how tired, frustrated or angry someone feels when they are buried in the dozens of day to day tasks required of a primary caregiver. This special report is designed to help you spot the warning signs when you’ve done too much for too long and don’t have enough energy left in the tank to help anyone, including yourself.

There was a popular song many years ago that had the lyric, “he ain’t heavy- he’s my brother” which isn’t exactly accurate. If you are piggy-back riding your brother, sister, child or any other family member, their actual weight is still the same, but because you love and care for them you have extra energy to serve them. Love will allow you to carry someone you care about for a while- but after a while they do get heavy again and you will feel the pressure to want to take a break. That’s normal and not a sign of lack of love, rather just a sign of being human. So what does it mean to be a ‘Care-Giver” anyway?

Let’s start by defining the difference between CARE-TAKERS and CARE GIVERS.  A care taker provides a level of compassionate service for someone in need, often for a fee or salary of some kind. They may feel a special calling to help out, (like nurses, teachers, doctors, counselors or pastors), yet at the end of the day, it’s their job and they are compensated in some way for their services. Caretakers can do their important work in many ways, for instance they can work with children, with patients, wounded people, or by managing property or running a museum. It’s important work, often tiring, but not usually overwhelming enough to create compassion fatigue or massive distress because there are clear boundaries, defined duties and reasonable expectations, as well as defined hours of service.

Being a care-taker is much less complicated than being a care-giver. Caregivers do the same work, but often with greater intensity, since they often aren’t compensated in some way and just work out of the goodness of their hearts to show compassion to the person in need. They often give and give expecting nothing in return, yet that is often why they run out of energy and burnout. They don’t have defined hours, schedules or budgets. It can get very stressful, very fast because you can’t do everything for everyone all the time without it leading to caregiver stress. Consider the following warning signs I first learned from my friend June Hunt to see if you are experiencing this type of roadblock to healthy relationships.

-The Caregiver Stress Checklist

In asking yourself these questions, honestly assess your feelings to determine if it could be time to seek professional help to overcome caregiver stress.

· Am I easily agitated with those I love?
· Am I becoming more critical of others?
· Am I having difficulty laughing or having fun?
· Am I turning down most invitations to be with others?
· Am I feeling depressed about my situation?
· Am I feeling hurt when my efforts go unnoticed?
· Am I resentful when other family members are not helping?
· Am I feeling trapped by all the responsibilities?
· Am I being manipulated?
· Am I missing sleep and regular exercise?
· Am I too busy for quiet time with God?
· Am I feeling guilty when I take time for myself?

- Warning Signs of Caregiver Stress:

___Physically- exhausted and worn out            

___Emotionally- resentful, stressed, bitter
___Relationally-feeling used or unappreciated 

___Financially- overwhelmed or depleted

It’s right to care for people in need. It’s healthy to show compassion, those are good things and make us feel better for having made a difference in the lives of others. You can show care in a lot of ways and should. Consider the Meanings of the Verb “Care?” ·To have a personal interest in, or be watchful over, to be affectionate toward, to look out for, to be concerned about, to provide for, to give serious attention to and to keep safe. Caring is important- but there are some hidden dangers if you care too much.

Hidden facts about the Good Samaritan

There is no better example of being a compassionate caregiver than the timeless story taught by Jesus about the Good Samaritan. You may remember the story- a man is mugged by thieves and left for dead on the side of the road. Then a pastor and a lawyer pass by on the other side to avoid getting involved, finally a man from another cultural background stops, applies first aid, transports the victim to a respite center and pays for his care. Jesus showed that the person who really showed love for his neighbor wasn’t the most religious or best educated, or even from the same culture; rather the one who showed the greatest compassion was the only one who fulfilled the great commandment to 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

This is a life changing spiritual teaching for any one, yet don’t miss some basic factors to protect the good Samaritan from compassion fatigue. Yes, he jumped in to help a stranger, yes he showed great love for another human being, but he didn’t do it alone! The good Samaritan started a healing process in the life of a wounded man and allowed others, like the inn-keeper to be part of the team to make a positive difference in helping a man rebuild and recover. When you are part of a team helping someone going through a crisis, you are less likely to burnout and that’s a good thing for everyone so you can have a lot more energy to help others for years to come.

Self Care comes first

Chaplain Max Helton worked next to me at Ground Zero after the terrorist attacks in New York on 9-11-01. He taught me a wonderful process in dealing with overwhelming situations. First, focus on ‘self-care’ then ‘buddy care’ and finally ‘other care’. This way you can protect your own energy, help others facing the same caregiving challenges and then together be much stronger and more focused to better serve others. It can be done, but it can’t be done alone. God designed us to work together in partnership with others. Moms and dads, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, fellow church members, neighbors, co-workers, community members, basically anyone could be in a situation to be a caregiver, but remember the principle to not go it alone. Let others help you.

If you are facing a major caregiving role alone, let me challenge you to reach out for some help. It could come from friends, family, pastors, churches, a MOPS group or other supportive group, but whatever you do, don’t try to do it all yourself. Caring is good, exhaustion isn’t. If you are aware that you are feeling pressure to do it all, take the checklists and insights from this article to review with someone close to you for an objective point of view just to keep you from the stress of caring too much that you get lost in the process. Or perhaps you have a friend, co-worker or family member that appears to be struggling with compassion fatigue that you could invite for a cup of coffee to review the key points and then open up a discussion on how you might be an encouragement to help them better manage the stress of caring for someone in need.

Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness- it’s a sign of being human

You don’t have to do it all alone, but you do have to openly bring up the subject of caregiver stress to let people who care about you know that pressure is building inside and that you may need some help. Remember, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it’s a sign of being human.

Below are some strategies to guide you with a sense of balance as you willingly share your heart of compassion without getting crushed from too much care. But first a word of encouragement if you are feeling exhausted from the best-selling book, “When God doesn’t make sense”.

 For the heartsick, bleeding soul out there today who is desperate for a word of encouragement, let me assure you that you can trust this Lord of heaven and earth.

There is security and rest in the wisdom of the eternal Scriptures.  I believe the Lord can be trusted, even when He cannot be tracked. Of this you can be certain: Jehovah, King of kings and Lord of lords, is not pacing the corridors of heaven in confusion over the problems in your life!  He hung the worlds in space. He can handle the burdens that have weighed you down, and He cares about you deeply.  He says to you, “Be still, and know that I am God.”  Psalms 46:10   - James Dobson, PhD

 ► How to prevent being so full of “care” that you can’t care for yourself

"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life

which are the real ones after all."  -Laura Ingalls Wilder

1) Be aware of the common stress signals that come with being a caregiver

___ irritability or moodiness

___ feelings of resentment

___ loss of sleep or feeling frequently exhausted

___ increased susceptibility to colds and flu

___ feeling guilty about taking time for yourself

2) Be aware of the pressure of caregiving and that it builds over time

3) Be aware that as caregiving goes up, additional coping skills should go up too 

4) Be aware of your own needs and don’t be afraid to ask for help

 "You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage -- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically -- to say 'no' to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.'"               - Stephen Covey

5) Be aware of the resources around you, and be willing to take a respite

6) Be aware that sometimes you need to just sit in the floor and laugh or cry

7) Be aware that care-giving is hard work and often times you may want to quit, yet it is still one of the most loving acts of Servant Leadership

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About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org