Daughter-in-law facing a monster after marriage?

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Added: Wed. Feb 11, 2009 2:15am
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In-law wars causing Continual Conflict?

What to do when a mother-in-law is at war with her son’s new wife

 

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Family Law Mediator

 

Recently I was involved in mediating a major dispute, (think civil war), between a very unhappy new mother-in-law and her equally unhappy daughter-in-law. The new husband didn't know what to do, so he just cut out of the conflict to let the women in his life just vent on each other, which only created more hurt feelings for everyone.

 

This is a very common source of conflict, and one that frequently pops up around holidays or special occasions where traditional family functions are forced to make some adjustments by adding a new face at the table. Sadly in bitter in-law disputes, no one really wins the ‘war’ it just becomes a time of misery without any positive memories for anyone.  

 

It’s sort of like Jane Fonda's character back in the film "Monster-in-law" because that persona is actually not a character at all since some moms are so threatened that they actually try to bully new brides with manipulation to keep control of their adult son.  Thankfully most women are mature enough to not become a complete ‘monster’ about the major change in the mother/son relationship. And if given some guidance, a young man learns how to be a stronger man to set healthy limits to protect his new wife, while honoring his mother in the process.

 

The first year of marriage is the toughest year, and statistically the most common time that people will divorce. No question that it is a time of major adjustment, yet the good news is that most new relationships gained by marriage can grow stronger over the course of a few years, so you actually can expand your family and have more people to love, instead of staying exhausted in a continual dispute over meaninglessness.

 

Since new marriages are full of changes for everyone involved, here's some relationship advice to save a new daughter-in-law a few years of tears or heartache and pain and prevent a mother-in-law from being portrayed as a monster.

 

1) She's your husband's mother, not yours

 

Keep a realistic perspective on just how close you can get to this other woman who really did love him first.  The faster you try to push into his family circle, the more you may find some strong minded women pushing back. This serves no purpose, so focus on being a new wife instead of being in a tug of war with his mom.

 

2) She won't like you sometimes and may show it for a while

 

Some women have a tendency to overprotect their sons, while others tend to over-provide for them. Helping his Mom see that you are already on the job as a loving wife who deeply cares for her son can build trust. This way she doesn't have to sit around worrying about him as much now that you are in the family.

 

3) She needs time to build a relationship with you 

 

It took time to grow in your love to your new husband and you had the advantage of being motivated by romance.  It will take a longer time to build a relationship with his mom and you may have the disadvantage of time or distance. 

 

Think of how you built friendships with the other women in your life- lots of phone calls, cards, meals, trips, shared holiday's and shopping!  Take realistic steps to build a relationship with your mother-in-law in the early years and you might gain an additional supportive mentor for a lifetime.

 

In most cases a new daughter-in-law should try to flow with the relationship changes her husband is going through, since typically it will grow into the sense of belonging to his extended family within a few years.  Understand that if you only invest an hour a year at Thanksgiving into actually connecting with your new mother-in-law that it may take a very long time to get to a heart-to-heart friendship, if ever. 

 

A new daughter-in-law can control much of the timing of how close this relationship will be so she should honesty consider the situation and think through the steps to get beyond an angry or attacking 'monster' to move toward gaining another mother's love and respect which benefits everyone for a lifetime.

 

Good trade if you have the courage to try.

 

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About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.