Two Voices Separated By 1 Generation

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Added: Tue. Feb 17, 2009 5:01pm
Posted in: Family

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PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT SEX BUT DO IT RIGHT

SEX-No matter how old you are, sex changes everything. Whether it's the connection between two people, the filling of a void, or just for fun, all of the consequences are too much for a child to handle. Every year, in 5th grade health class, you learn about "The Birds and the Bees." They separate the boys and girls and teach them everything they need to know. Both sexes come back to the classroom not even wanting to look the opposite sex in the eye. Now, in two short years, some kids are using their new found knowledge in the wrong way. Kids having sex is just as common place as being an honors student these days. We, especially, have to keep an eye on our daughters. More and more of them are searching for something that they feel is missing. Or maybe, better put, someone. It's funny, I seemed to have the opposite reaction to having my biological father disappear from my life as a young child. The cards and the presents stopped coming when I turned 16. But I didn't run out and sleep with any boy who gave me attention. And maybe it's because I have an incredible mother, always there to guide me. Even still, teens today are gravitating towards sex like it's a drug. Most of them claim that they are in love, but what the majority of them don't understand is why they are really doing it. Usually it has something to do with a missing father figure, but in a few instances, it's a mother. On the whole, these girls feel unloved and out of place, so they turn to sex to fill the void. We need to promote positive self image and pay attention to who their friends are. Keeping the lines of communication open is so important. Make your kids want to talk to you. I'm no expert, but when I was young, and even now, I have the urge to tell my mother everything that's important to me. How did she raise 4 well adjusted kids who never smoked cigarettes, never did drugs, never drank, and all did well in school? It beats me. I ask her all the time what she did ri ght. She just tells me that she is lucky, but I know it's much more than that. My mother asked how our day was. She always made sure our homework was done. She made Thursday nights "family nights". We had to be home and sit down together and chat. She knew all my friends and their parents. We went shopping together and she was honest about whether or not something was appropriate for me to wear. She told me I was pretty. She drove me to ballet classes and came to my cheerleading competitions. She made me do my chores. She made me go to bed on time. She made me read books. My mother was there for me even when she was busy. Although I've made mistakes, like any other human being, I was able to avoid the mistakes that most young people make today. Parents have to be present. Kids aren't toys or matching accessories. They need your guidance, because in these times, they are more likely to run into the arms of each other, and not in a good way.

 Elizabeth Whittemore

My father called me in to the bedroom he shared with my mother on a sunny Saturday afternoon.  It was so dark in their room had it not been for a table light we would have been unable to see each other.  I always wondered why they never drew those heavy, dark curtains back and opened the windows. I am sure the room would have rejoiced in the sunlight and the sweet smelling breeze would have felt so nice. It would also have cleared out the  ever present haze of Salem cigarette smoke hanging over all our heads.  I also wondered why my Gramma couldn't join us.  She and I had been sitting on the couch in the living room loving every minute of the Lone Ranger, Tonto, and Silver when I had been summoned.  My parents had twin beds in their room (just like Lucy and Desi) and I was told to sit next to my Mother as Dad sat down on his bed to face us.  "DeDe, it's time we talked".  I wanted to ask "about what?" but I was so uncomfortable I was already beginning to slip away mentally (I did that a lot back then).  Dad was still talking and now he was blushing and laughing and I didn't have a clue what he was trying to say. Maybe at 12 I should have but this obese, socially phobic,  little girl was lost.  And then I heard the word "sex" and right after that "it's not worth it for 5 minutes of pleasure".  And then the really big point of this whole conversation was finally made. "If you get pregnant you would have to go away to an unwed mother's home". Well, that did it for me.  I started to cry hysterically.  I then begged to be let of that dark, smokey bedroom and ran back into the living room to finish watching The Lone Rancher with my Gramma.  And be a little girl again.

If a parent were to talk to their 12 year old son or daughter about sex today that young teen would probably be way ahead of them.  Because of the media, internet, peers, and sex education in schools some of your kids have lost their psychic virginity a long time ago. The statistics tell us 75% of teenagers have had intercourse by the time they turn 20 and each year there are approximately 19 million new std infections with half affecting youth aged 15 to 20.   Parents, you can't turn the clock back to the time before Roe v Wade, the pill, free love, or Sex in the City, but you can be aware and involved.  Here are some signs that your young teen may be involved in a sexual relationship:
. teens become more secretive
 about activities with the boy/girl
 friend.
. suddenly becomes interested in
 washing their own clothes.
.  has items related to sexual
 activity in their room
.  girls develop recurring bladder
  and or yeast infections.

As a final thought, I invite you to
read again what Elizabeth said her mother did right.  The therapist in me knows her mom did it right and that little girl in my parent's bedroom knows how lucky Elizabeth was that she did.

Elizabeth and I welcome your comments and stories.

Deedra Hunter is a Certified Eating Disorder Specialist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor who has also published a book called; Winning Custody: A Woman’s Guide to Retaining Custody of Her Children. She has been a mental health professional for over 20 years and specializes in the counseling and treatment of eating disorders. She received her Bachelor of Arts degree from Florida International University, and her Master’s degree in Counseling from St. Thomas University. She also holds a Certificate in Chemical Dependency from University of Miami’s School of Continuing Education