Rant-o-rama

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Added: Thu. Sep 30, 2010 11:35am
Posted in: Marriage

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I've been married since the dawn of time. Or maybe it just seems that way because eternities can pass while I contemplate what the hell I was thinking. We were young, he was seriously hot, and it just happened somehow. We met, fell in lust, lived together for 5 years, got married, had children and now here we are. I'm 51 and ask myself every day...how did I get here?

Some people will already be asking "why are you still there?" The answer is complicated. Possibly too complicated to have an answer. On some levels, I still love him. He's family. Comfortable. Maybe I'm just too lazy or not brave enough to start over. Maybe I just missed all my boats, or maybe I'm incapable of stepping off the dock and took the easiest possible route. That's probably closest to the truth.

Anyway, I blog here under a different name, but I needed a place to vent. Honestly, openly and anonymously. I'm an independent contractor who works from home. I'm smart, liberal, athiest, mother of two grown children with emotional problems (one of whom can't stay out of jail) and married to a man with anger management issues and the brain of a labrador. It's like Bones with more emotional baggage. She's smart and analytical, he's reasonably intelligent in his own way but he needs everything explained to him in simple terms. The difference is that he doesn't resent her for having brains. I think I'll call my husband Booth in his honor.

Here's why I started this blog:

Last night, I went out with a female friend to dinner and a movie. The last time I went out--anywhere--was the week Quantum of Solace was released. You remember, James Bond movie? IMDB says it was November 2008. Yeah. 

I've had diarrhea for 2 days and I was sweating out the aftermath of dinner with my stomach roiling, hoping I wouldn't waste my $10 ticket staring at the bathroom stall door and making the bathroom virtually unusable for everybody else. But I went anyway because the evening was at my invitation and I had already postponed once. During the movie I was just a little queasy but otherwise fine and I made it through the entire night without incident. I get home at 10:30, fall in to bed, and Booth wants sex. Are you kidding...really? I've been sick for 2 days, you must know i'm exhausted. really. must. But, no. In his mind, I got to go out, so I owe him. Plus, he cleaned up the kitchen. yes, he really said that. I'm still queasy, I figure I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night for very unpleasant reasons, I'm exhausted, and he's ranting because he figures I owe him. I slept on the couch. 

Welcome to the resentment bank. The reason I started this blog. It's really about how sheer resentment can ruin any good time...and why marrying for the wrong reasons is a really bad idea.