Two Voices Separated by 1 Generation

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Added: Thu. May 07, 2009 9:12am
Posted in: Relationships

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BABY GIRL

 

"Remember, you have precious cargo on this trip. I’m trusting you to take care of my daughter".  I said those words to a young man who was taking my daughter to Texas for 7 days last Saturday. Would I have said something like that if she were going with a group of girlfriends or other family members?  I don't think so. In fact, I know I wouldn't have.  Why?

The bond between a mother and her daughter is unlike any other connection we have.  I could go into all the research substantiating this but frankly this is about my heart not my head. The special heart bond I have with Kristina can be summed up very simply; I want her to not make the same mistakes that I, her Mother, made.  And the biggest mistakes I made were in the context of the men I allowed into my life. Freud was right.  I kept picking my narcissistic father over and over. Charming and wonderful at the beginning of the relationship, each one morphed into the cruel and selfish man I remembered from my past.  I want to believe that this young man who took my daughter away on Saturday will stay the charming and kind soul he presented to be at the beginning of their relationship.  But the mother in me is on high alert.

 

Elizabeth I have a question for your mother.  Diane, how did you have the courage to send your daughter half way around the world with my son?  I know he's terrific and Elizabeth thinks he's terrific but she is, after all, still your baby girl.

-Deedra Hunter

 

 

 

LETTING GO- Yesterday I sat down with my Mother to discuss how she felt when I moved to the other side of the planet with Brandon. I knew that she loved him as much as her own four children. I knew that she was having a hard time understanding the culture even before I left. When I had explained to her that India was a "cash culture" and that we were going to keep the majority of our money in a drawer in our apartment, well you can only imagine the look that flashed across her face. In blunt honesty, my mother didn't let me go. She gave me her blessing. I was 28 years old and an independent woman. I had been in serious relationships before and she trusted my judgment. In this instance it had nothing to do with who I was going with, it was simply where.

 

I had been on my own since I left for college in 1999. With a few stints back at my house in between moves, my mom and I had gotten to spend a lot of time with one another in the past 10 years. The longest we'd ever gone without seeing each other was about three months, when I lived in California. Now it was going to be a minimum of 6 months. In theory it doesn't sound so bad, but I can only imagine what it must have been like to hear the words, “Brandon got a job in India. I am going to join him as soon as I get my new passport and Visa." I know in the beginning she had concerns that we weren't married and that there were no imminent plans to do so. Brandon and I had been together for 3 and 1/2 years at that point. "How could I even consider moving so far away without some sort of plan?" She puzzled. I could only tell her that I loved him and that sometimes in life, even the best laid plans fail.

 

I had to trust my gut and so did my mother. She gave me nothing but support in those months while I was abroad. Calling me almost everyday. Listening to my horror stories, even if not ever really able to understand what a culture shock I was experiencing. She told me to keep positive. She kept her nerves to herself in exchange for rallying cries of, "Just take it one day at a time." And I did, and so did she. We know that it has made both relationships stronger, the one between Brandon and myself, and the other between she and I.

 

Brandon gets on a plane in two weeks from today. Deedra, my Mother, and I await his return with nothing but joy. The advice I know we'll hear as soon as we get settled back into American life: "Just take it one day at a time."

 

~ELIZABETH WHITTEMORE