Midlife Purse Contents
purse contains things now that I most certainly did not need in my
twenties...like my fan. When I get a hot flash, I have to have a fan.
I have to have a fan IMMEDIATELY! Otherwise, I go into panic mode,
stomping my feet, feeling skin-crawling anxiety with mood-changing
hysteria until I have an apparatus that will create a mighty wind in my
face. I’d lift my blouse, but if I’m in public, that would just be too
I would in my twenties, I do have a compact mirror in my purse, but the
one I have contains a MAGNIFYING component so that I can actually see
my twelve eyelashes. Not that I carry mascara in my purse.
Middle-aged women just leave that at home next to the GIGANTIC
magnifying mirror in the bathroom, and if we miss an eyelash at home,
well, it’s no big whup, because we have plenty more things to worry
about after leaving the house...like where we might have left our car
course I carry a small pill box as well in my purse. It contains 3
valiums in case I do have a panic attack when I can’t find my fan, 4
tums for immediate consumption after a good Chinese or Italian meal
out...and 12 Ibuprofen because, well, you just never know when your
head will explode, especially after dealing with a teenager driving in
front of you who is texting while applying her mascara in the rearview
last but not least, I have 17 pens in my purse because you should NEVER
use the pen they give you at the pharmacy to sign anything...just THINK
of how many terminally and contagiously sick people pick up that pen.
Same deal at the grocery store...with the ‘stylus’ thingy. Just use
the back of your pen instead. It doesn’t leave ink on the screen, but
accomplishes a successful ‘cash-back/YES’ component.
have 85 other things in my purse, but we don’t have enough time here.
Just know that my middle-aged purse is as large as my middle-aged BUTT!
my purse I carry a GPS device that I can plug into my car-lighter
socket. It tells my dyslexic mind how to get from here to there. Even
better and most importantly, how to get back. That’s the hardest part
for us because everything is the opposite from how you got there. Last
night a robber broke my car window and stole my GPS mount off of the
inside of the windshield and the charger out of the lighter socket.
They didn’t get the GPS because I keep it in my purse just in case
some stupid idiot breaks into my car to get it. I say ‘stupid idiot’
with total confidence because my car wasn’t locked! Asshole dodoheads.
keep a bag of nuts in my purse because I have low blood sugar at times
which causes me to monsterize people if I am in need of protein. A
hard boiled egg would do the trick better but it’s not a good idea to
carry one of those in your purse. You might forget about it and then
two days later your purse and everything in it would smell like a dead
possum. You may wonder how I know this.
have toothpicks for after-popcorn at the movies, a cell phone so I can
see what time it is, and matches for in case I get stuck in a dark cave
like Indian Joe the half-breed in Tom Sawyer. I was traumatized by
that. You’ve got to be prepared for anything and that’s what purses
also have seventeen pens in my purse because I’m a pen-klepto. But not
on purpose. I guess I have a tendency to sign my name on a charge
receipt and then absentmindedly toss the pen into my purse. I have a
pen shaped like a bourbon bottle with ‘Steve’s Liquors’ on it and one
that has a hula dancer whose coconut bra comes off and reveals an ample
bosom when the pen is used. I can’t remember where I got that one but
I strongly suspect it was when I got my car window fixed at ‘Bubba’s
Car Wash, Glass Fixers and Taco Stand.’
have three one-dollar bills and a lotto ticket in the side pocket of my
purse. There is also breath gum, five lipsticks, and a paperback book
on how to clear the chi in your purse.
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