A time to mourn

I quietly and privately cried today.  They were neither tears of physical pain nor tears of joy.  Rather they were tears of sorrow, tears of loss and for what will never be again.  The tears came as I reread my musing about my Mom and also recalled my musing about my Dad.  They were tears for what once was but are gone forever.

How can I describe the feelings and emotions as I sat there alone, thinking back to the years with both of them?  How can I write about the immense pain when each of them died?  With their passing there was a passing of an era I had lived and known for most of my life.  True, things gradually changed in our relationships as I matured and became an adult.  But those changes were natural and positive.

 My parents were there for my marriages, for the birth of my son.  Dad died before my divorce.  Maybe had he lived I wouldn't have gotten divorced.  A son never wants to appear to be a failure to his father.  Maybe my life would have taken the same path even had they lived until today, though that would have required them to be extremely long-lived.  When it comes to life, we never know with certainty what could have been.

But for  few moments today memories came back, flooding my mind.  Holidays and ordinary days were remembered.  Sacrifices for me and support for me were recalled - they were my rock  To say I have blessed seems inadequate.  It is impossible to summarize a life with parents in a trivial musing, but I try.  Perhaps it is my catharsis, my way of shedding the deep feeling of loss I sometimes feel.

 I know these feelings will go away just as I know at some date they will return.  Those memories and feelings are my link to my parents, a link that never can be broken.